I got chris browned last night
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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