she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
