And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
