I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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