u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
