Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
