Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
