This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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