turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
