If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
We need a shit load of segways right now
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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