I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I look better un-naked...
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
