you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
