Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
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