you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
