I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
