So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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