I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
