Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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