I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
