I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Randomize
