My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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