i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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