I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
