is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Randomize
