Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
