I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Randomize
