It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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