dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
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