When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
