You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
