i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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