He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
