when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
