If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
