This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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