If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
it's like iHOP with fire
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
