just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
