You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
