i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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