you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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