No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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