Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
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You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
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I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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