You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
