I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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