Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
