he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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