Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
