just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
