I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
