I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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