That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
