Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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