i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
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