Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
